Sat June the 5th 2010 a day to remember or forget if possible.
It was almost my last day alive ....some of you may gasp with relief or disbelief.... others burst into tears knowing you were almost relieved of my company ... such is life the margins are thin !!
Anyway not to hold you in suspense as you hold your breath....the scene of the near fatal crime was just across the road , and most victims know their attackers very well !!
John Treasurer was having a friendly "hedge cutting day" and I was one (the only one )of the lucky neighbours to be specially invited to take part ie give John a hand cutting the leylandi hedge which is about 175 feet high. The Great Wall of China would have been easier to climb and once inside the branches it was like a spiders web. Decades of growth and out of reach branches everywhere it was definitely a task for a professional like me with years of experience living in the jungles of Africa, Burma, North Korea and Kerry.
So after almost 22 hours of total hardship ,hanging onto ladders, climbing like monkeys, sweating profusely, severely dehydrated, lots of little sticky fingers from the endless sap, arms lacerated like a gladiator in the coliseum , eyes blood shot, close to delirium dazzed by the sun on the baldy head ......I spotted two spikes of leylandi that we had missed, so I in a final assault .....staggered towards the enemy .... and before I knew it while on autopilot I was up on the ladder near the top when....... suddenly ......my life flashed before me.....needless to say it was extremely brief in view of my eternal youth.....in a millisecond ….a big thump…with the speed of light …I was on the ground ,ladder on top of me still clutching to the hedge clipper !!! It was definitely a near death experience as I barely missed a pointed rock by 2-3 millimetres and hit my left thigh and hip a real wallop off the ground.....As I wondered how the Lochaber News headline would depict my sudden demise ."The Tangney Tree Surgeon's Final Cut " or " GP goes back to his his Roots....in a hurry " ..... I was gobsmacked for a nanosecond. and tried to move my legs ....the signals were going down but no response ..when they both moved was I glad to have not broken my hip and I crawled out from under the tree in what seemed like eternity ....I eventually got up and I am still limping around the place . The damage ..... A large haematoma (bleeding under the skin) in my thigh which will take a few weeks to clear !!! Mama Mia !!! Liz noticed me limping in the house and .....called me a "BIG EEJITT"" .........these nurses are heartless !!
I forgot to mention while I was on top of the ladder , JohnT and Liz Treasurer (the witnesses)were sitting on their own "Henmans Hill" in the garden having lollipops (a twister and a solero respectively ) waiting for me do a real live “twister “in the bushes. Liz t went into policewoman's mode immediately sealing off the crime scene with metres of police tape. She eventually came towards me wearing a white astronaut suit and me in a half dazzled state thought I was about to be abducted by an alien....... John immediately asked me "Joe do you want to purchase accident insurance?" I replied "Do you have the phone number of the "No win No fee solicitors ?" John ran immediately to get his video camera as I was seen racing limp and all across the road to a place of safety .....I had to make a run for it as John insisted I get back up the ladder immediately as it was the best thing to do if you had a fright on (or off in my case ) a ladder.....he must be watching too much of Franki Detorrie jumping off the fillies !!! I was having none of it and fled the crime scene while still alive .....
I am still "serving my time" as Liz has got me hoovering , ironing , polishing , sewing, knitting, tidying up, all because of my new limp......I wish I had stayed at the crime scene ......hypothermia would have been quicker !!!
Fri 2 July 2010
Sunshine in Edinburgh for the long awaited day David's graduation. Finally after four years of endless nights out, numerous girlfriends , last minute essays, countless requests for more money, blood, sweat and tears it finally pays off and David is off the Tangney payroll !!
The graduation was held in the McEwen hall and it was a bit like the House of Lords with all the pomp and ceremony. All the graduates in their gowns looked great and there were several hundred graduates in the hall. Each family waited patiently for the brief moment when their son/daughter was tapped on the head by the "felt hat ". (Made from John Knox's boxer shorts). I was amazed when the announcer pronounced "Tangney" correctly…very rare indeed ….. Afterwards all the proud parents and family members wandered about outside in the sunshine with a dazzed look and fixed smiles The photos were fast, plentiful and generally cheerful. (some parents obviously had botox or rigor mortis of the facial muscles or perhaps just frowned too much as a baby leading to a permanent "sour face".)
We met Stu's parents who incidentally were very cheerful probably buoyed by the fact that Big Stu was off to South America the next day and David was his travel companion. They knew it was highly likely that the two of them would be kidnapped by some tribe of pygmies and a ransom would be needed to free Gulliver MacPherson(Little Stu). Hopefully it will take a few years to sort out so they were ecstatic at the thought of peace and quiet as Stu and David are held captive. Paying a ransom is out of the question ! We also met Ali who is Davids new flatmate, I felt obliged morally to at least warn her that David is ALWAYS in bed sound asleep by 10pm at the very latest and not to make too much noise around the house !! Also he is obesssively tidy, extemely frugal, non drinker, hates to travel and is very silent and painfully shy in the company of girls ...... That was all I told Ali as she went deathly pale and her eyes began to repeatedly roll back in her head, then got violently sick so I had to stop ....after her collapse I did't think it was wise to continue my story as her entire family were now staring at me ..................
in fact more glaring than staring ....wondering what had I said to the poor girl to cause her such distress !! She has been sobbing ever since that day .
Apart from the Ali convulsion episode the graduation was a very enjoyable day and we had a good night out in the cellar restaurant. Needless to say the lads hit the drink with great gusto. They were probably getting withdrawal symptoms as almost 12 hours with out alcohol and George was shaking , sweating, seeing spiders everywhere!! We all had a lively night with plenty of banter. Unsurpringly we were sectioned off from the other customers with a big electric fence as a preventive measure as they knew of the PE boys reputation....ie making a run for it !! Unfortunatley I had to stay sober as I was minding Brodie's parents George and Louise , (George's 90 year old carer broke her hip so I got stuck with the job, I sedated them both with a monologue of endless circular chat about nothing in particular for 4 hours (a useful trick in the carer industry) and soon the glazed vacant look in their eyes meant they were glued to their seats in a trance like state.They struggled to stay awake with the jaw supported by elbow on table in order not yawn incessantly was the give away sign that they were now safe in my capable hands !!) Gareth's parents Neil and Debbie. ….were looked after by Gareth's granny aged 107 (she went clubbing with the lads later). Liz and all the Tangneys were under the watchful eye of Ms Aoife....a force to be reckoned with to say the least.Anyway to cut a long story short the boys hit the drink, ate a little then hit for the night clubs. They were insistent that I went with them to show David a few new moves or throw a few shapes. I knew they were trying to get me into trouble with Liz so I gracefully declined their kind offer of a tour of the Edinburgh nighclubs !! Ronan was keen to go but we dragged Ronan back with us ….sullen VERY SULLEN but saved him a hangover and hassle no doubt for all of us.
We went to Ireland next morning and David /Stu hit for London on the train. Then off to South America for the lads ......what I don't know won't trouble me !!
The Chemical Brothers ????
